On Tuesday, June 2, 2009 at 4:31 AM my Dad passed away after a lengthy illness. He was 67 years old.
I had gone to bed at 3:00 AM after working until midnight. It had been a good day and when I talked with Melinda earlier she said Dad had been doing better. She said he sounded good on the phone and that he was feeling better. He had been admitted to the hospital about 2 weeks before because his kidneys weren’t working and he was retaining water. That night or morning rather Mom woke me up at about 4:30 AM that we had to get to the hospital because my Dad wasn’t going to make it. They had been doing dialysis to help get the excess fluid, but it was too much for his heart. I then had to get Melinda up. I remember embracing her while the hot tears ran down my cheeks. We threw on whatever clothes we could find and got Mom and headed to the hospital. That was the longest drive of my life. It was so eerie because there seemed to be no one else on the road at that time of day. The entire way there I felt as if I wanted to vomit. I just wanted it all to be a nightmare that I would wake up from, but it wasn’t.
My mom had been told that the visitor entrance for the hospital didn’t open until 6:00 AM so we had to use the Emergency entrance, which was further away from where my Dad’s room was. We walked the long, white hallways in near silence, silently praying that he would still be alive when we got there. As we approached the Nurses station I saw a note on a door and noticed my Mom looking intently at. I didn’t notice at the time that there was also a white dove on the door. A lump formed in my throat as tears pooled once more in my eyes. There were no words needed to tell us what we already knew. He was with God.
The one Nurse hugged my Mom, while Melinda and I held each other sobbing. The Nurse asked us if we wanted to go in to see him, but Melinda and I thought Mom should have a moment alone with Dad. I didn’t want to look. We stood outside the room near the Nurses’ station crying. After a few minutes Mom came out to ask if we wanted to see him. He was still warm, but we were both hesitant, though we did eventually go into the room. I will never forget how peaceful he looked. I didn’t want to believe that he was gone. Not long after that my Dad’s brother David and his wife Juanita arrived. They too were in shock. My Aunt gave each Melinda and I a big hug. My Uncle had gone through a similar situation with his first wife.
We then got out the cell phones to try to contact our brothers as well as my Dad’s other brother John. We were able to get in touch with Uncle John, but both Chris and Pat have only cell phones and neither had them turned on. We left them each a message, though Chris later said he really couldn’t understand the message. Those were the hardest calls I have ever had to make in my life. My Mom didn’t want to tell my Grandma over the phone and felt that someone should be there with her when she hears the news.
We were a bit confused of what to do next. We went to the waiting room to keep trying to get a hold of Chris and Pat and to wait for Uncle John to arrive. It didn’t seem that it took him all that long to arrive. We kept trying to get Chris and Pat on the phone. While we waited Melinda and I worked on a puzzle they had out in the waiting room.
Mom spent some time talking with the Nurses and filling out paperwork. A bit before 7:00 AM I think it was when we finally were able to reach Pat on the phone. Since he lives in Novi, we knew it would be a while before he got there. He had to call work and let them know he wasn’t going to be in, as well as pack some clothes. We weren’t expecting him to arrive until after 9:00 AM. Since we still couldn’t get a hold of Chris and there wasn’t anything else we could do at the hospital, we decided to head home and wait for Pat. As we were walking out of the hospital, Chris called Mom’s cell phone. He agreed to meet us at the house in about an hour.
By this time it was about 7:30 AM. We decided to get something to eat. We headed to Tim Horton’s for a donut though none of us felt like eating, but knew it was important to keep our energy and strength up. It was so strange when we were walking back to the car after that, I noticed a large dark cloud hanging over the part of the city where the hospital was. It seemed only appropriate. I felt as if there was a black cloud hanging over me.
We got home a bit after 8:00 AM. We checked the caller ID on the phone to see several calls from family members. My Mom returned a few calls, while Melinda and I waited for Chris and Pat to arrive. Chris got there first not long after we got there and shortly after he got there Pat showed up. We were all surprised by how quickly he made it up here. I think his car must have grew some wings.
My Dad had never told Mom wanted he wanted. If he wanted to buried or cremated. We decided that we should make a list of everything that needed to be done. Mom really wanted us all to have a say in the process. We discussed all of the options and made a list of everything that needed to be done. We made a call to the company where my Dad worked and was told that it would take a 10-14 days for them to research what was included in his retirement benefits. Mom had tried to ask Dad about his benefits on Monday, but he kept telling her that there would be time to talk about it later. Next we had to make an appointment with the funeral home to go over what we wanted to do. That was set for 1:00 PM. Chris offered to contact the pastor at the church and handle that. Mom needed to go to the bank as did Pat and Chris needed to get something from his house so they all left for town. Melinda and I each took the opportunity to take a nap. I was still going on just an hour and a half of sleep.
It didn’t seem like they were gone all that long. I think I probably only got an hour of sleep. They brought lunch with them, which we ate before heading to the funeral home. Since we weren’t sure if my Dad’s retirement benefit included life insurance we didn’t want to spend too much. We opted for cremation since it was cheaper and meant that we didn’t have to find a cemetery right then. My poor Mom had just been through the process when Grandma H passed away in February though a lot of hers was pre-planned.
After the funeral home Mom, Melinda, Pat, and I went to the florist to order the flowers for the casket. We opted for an arrangement with white, blue, yellow, and some orange. There was an orange rose for each of us kids and a white one to represent Mom. After that we stopped for a few groceries. I was so ready to crash. When we got back, I sunk into the chair in the TV room and dozed off for several hours. After dinner I tried to work on a few projects, but couldn’t focus. Eventually I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.
The next day couple of days are all a bit of a blur now. On Thursday we had a showing a the funeral home. I was so proud of myself for being able to keep it together. It was so great to be surrounded by family and friends. I am blessed to have such an amazing and supportive family. Though there were two people I wished wouldn’t have come since they were nothing but rude. Luckily they didn’t stay long. In all the turmoil we hadn’t had a chance to call any of our friends, but Lib’s Dad had seen the obituary and she came, which was wonderful. Our old friend Christy was there and it was amazing to spend time with her again. She was like another sister when we were growing up. She often spent weeks at our house in the summer and would go on trips with us.
After the showing we had to go home and try to get some sleep for the funeral the next day. All of us kids had decided to say something at the funeral. I couldn’t think of what I wanted to say so I opted to read a poem, but it took a while to find just the right one. I didn’t sleep well that night.
We had to be up early the next day to get ready for the funeral. We were lucky again to be surrounded by our wonderful and loving family and friends. For the funeral service Christy sat with Melinda and I. At one point I leaned my head on Melinda’s shoulder and Christy had hers leaned on the other one. We were all crying.
All of us kids wanted to share a few words. Chris went first since he was the oldest. He shared a few stories of my Dad. My Dad was a bit like Chevy Chase in the National Lampoon Vacation movies. The one time while camping we were putting the boat into the water, but instead of using a paved boat launch we were using some obsure dirt one and my Dad didn't think the boat was floating and kept backing the car up until the station wagon started to fill up with water! It was so funny. He also talked about the first time my Dad ever told him he was proud of Chris. I've never really seen my brother tear up, but he got choked up telling the story. After him it was my turn. I was really nervous to read the poem. I did manage to get through it, though at one point I looked up and seen my Mom crying and I nearly couldn't finish it, but I did. After I was done, Melinda got up to read hers. She talked about the things she has done for my Dad and all the things she will miss, especially the little things. She then played "Faith of the Heart" and we cried together again. Last was Pat. I knew he was going to play a verse from the "Living Years" by Mike and the Mechanics and started to tear up before he even started.
I wasn’t there that morning
When my father passed away
I didn’t get to tell him
All the things I had to say
- “The Living Years” by Mike and the Mechanics
He talked about all the things he never got to say to my Dad because he thought there would be more time for that. It was a nice reminder to all of us to say those things now because you never know how much time there will be. It was so hard to go past the casket once more and say goodbye.
After that we went to the dinner and it was nice to chat with my family and just be surrounded by those that love me and my family. There were lots of laughs and tears. I cherish those moments. After everything had been cleaned up from the dinner we came back home and our friend Christy came over. I haven't seen her in quite a while, but it is amazing how the years apart just fade away when we get together. It was just like old times. She stayed until 4:30 am. I went to bed at 3:00 am, but her and Melinda stayed up a bit longer chatting.
On Saturday then Melinda and I went to meet Lib to see "Up!" It was good, but I just don't think I was really in the mood to watch a movie. After that we went to lunch with Pat at our favorite Chinese restaurant. Pat decided to stay until Sunday night. I didn’t want him to leave. I wish he could have stayed, but I knew he had to get back to his house. We told him we loved him before he left.
It was so strange to go back to work on Monday. There were times I wanted to cry and scream at the clients complaining about stupid minor problems. That night I woke up at 4:30 AM. When I was talking to Mom later she said she also woke up about that time.
Slowly life got back to normal, but it will never be the same. The worst part was that my Dad passed away right before Father’s Day. It was so painful to go into stores and see all the signs and cards for Father’s Day knowing that we would never celebrate Father’s Day again with my Dad. The weekend of Father’s Day I actually spent cleaning my room. I was fed up with the giant mess in my room and decided to purge all the unnecessary stuff and get organized. It has been a long process, but also a good thing. I feel so much better now that at least that part of my life is a bit more organized.
About a week after it happened I started to feel really guilty about all the things I never did or said. I felt bad and guilty for all the times I was unkind or acted badly. I regretted that I didn't say "I love you" more. I know in my heart that he knew I loved him, but I should have said it more. I regretted that I didn't get to say goodbye to him and that we weren't there. To help ease those feelings I decided to write down my thoughts and create a scrapbook page of it.
It was a wonderful therapy and really helped to ease the guilt and regret. Though there are still moments when I remember something I was going to do for my Dad or tell him.
My Dad’s 68th birthday would have been June 27th. We had decided that we didn’t want to be at home that day and instead wanted to do something fun. So Melinda and I took Mom to Greenfield Viallge. She hadn’t been there since her honeymoon and it has changed a bit since then. It was a fun day. After that we went to Archivers in Novi so she could use her gift card Pat gave her for Mother’s Day. Then we went to Pat’s new apartment and hung out with him for a bit before going to dinner at Red Lobster. On the way home we stopped at Sonic for ice cream. It was a very nice day.
And now two months later there are good days and there are days that aren’t so good. There are times when I see something that reminds me of Dad that makes me want to cry. There are times when I get angry. Time has helped me to heal, but I know there are going to still be rough days ahead, but I am lucky to be blessed with a wonderful and caring family.
I know I probably should have updated this sooner, but I just felt I needed to take a break and focus on life and to take some time to grieve. I’m going to try to update it more often now, but we’ll see. I still have to post the rest of my WDW trip report and give away the template I created for the scavenger hunt.
Take care!
Melissa
